And so its been seven months since my last update. So much has happened since then. DE has graduated from bootcamp, and he was here for a short while over the Christmas and New Years Holidays. Now he's in Virginia Beach for A-school. Sometimes it grinds on my mind to tell him about every single fear and inadequacy that I feel, but that would be taking the adult approach to my life and actually trusting my partner. Yeah. He'll read this, and we'll argue about it, and then we'll get over it. Eventually. Tis what we always do. Beautiful, right? No, I didn't think so either.

So I'm sitting here looking at my laundry, done, folded, waiting to get the motivation to move from this rather comfy rolley chair and put the stuff away, but again - lack of motivation. I am still so sick that I am on the steroids. Oh right, haven't mentioned that to DE. Oops. At least I'm sleeping though, right? Fucking up my body, but the cough is finally subsiding. I just can't leave my house yet. And I -really- don't want to go to the doctor. I hate doctors. I hate having been told that I have -another- ear infection. Or something like that. I just. I don't like it.

In April I pick up another quarter of school, which means I have to find a job -now- to pay for it, or at least pay for half. Thankfully I still have parental support, but I am literally broke and leaning upon every whim that my father hands out to me. To be almost 22 and still be leaning upon your parents like a crutch... not a pleasant place to be. -shakes head- I don't know what to do, and to latch on to Tyler at this point seems very parasitic. I have always been more than that. Oh well. I'll get the hang of it sooner or later.

I just love how everyone around me knows what they want, except for me.

-waves a little white flag of sarcasm- Yay for inadequacy.

Am I afraid he's going to leave me if I don't get my shit together? Yeah...
Am I afraid that a year at sea could change his perspective on me? Hell Yes.

Does that make me a bad girlfriend/fiancee? yeah... it does. I never deserved him. I still don't